Self-Soothing: Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Insecurity

Many of us grew up with parents who, bless them, didn’t know a thing about self-soothing. Maybe they were too stressed, overwhelmed, or just emotionally immature—whatever it was, their toolbox for managing emotions was pretty much empty, so they had nothing to pass down. Ever wonder why you get so anxious when things don’t go right, or why you sometimes don’t know how to calm down when life feels like too much? Yeah, chances are, it’s rooted in a lack of healthy self-soothing skills passed on from those who raised us.

What Is Self-Soothing, Anyway?

Self-soothing is simply the ability to calm yourself down when you're overwhelmed. It’s that inner voice that says, "It’s okay, you've got this," or those habits that make you feel like you’re in control again, whether it’s deep breathing, taking a walk, or simply having a cup of tea. Self-soothing helps us keep our emotions in check without needing someone else to step in and “fix” things for us.

Emotionally Immature Parents and Their Impact

Emotional immaturity in parents doesn’t mean they didn’t love us—it’s just that they didn’t have the skills themselves. Think of it this way: if they were never taught healthy ways to handle stress, anger, sadness, or anxiety, they couldn’t exactly teach us, right? Often, this emotional immaturity looks like:

• Overreacting to small things.
• Suppressing emotions until they burst.
• Using distraction instead of dealing with feelings.
• Expecting others (like us!) to soothe their emotions instead of handling it themselves.

Why Didn’t They Teach Us?

For many of us, our parents didn’t sit down and say, “Here’s how to feel better when you’re sad or frustrated,” because they didn’t know how to do that themselves. Maybe they were taught that emotions were a sign of weakness, or they were just too busy surviving and coping with life to focus on emotional skills. The result? They grew into adults who didn’t have much to offer in the way of emotional coping skills. And now here we are—adults who were never taught how to self-soothe.

The Cost of Not Knowing How to Self-Soothe

Without learning self-soothing, we may find ourselves:

• Needing external validation just to feel okay.
• Overthinking everything because we don’t know how to trust ourselves.
• Feeling alone in managing our emotions, as we never learned it’s okay to take a moment and calm ourselves.
• Seeking distractions (hello, endless social media scrolls!) instead of facing our emotions.

This lack of self-soothing can create a lot of anxiety and tension, both in our minds and in our bodies. But here’s the thing—it’s never too late to learn!

How to Start Self-Soothing as an Adult

1. Name Your Emotion

Sometimes just labeling what you’re feeling helps. Sad? Overwhelmed? Angry? Identifying your emotion is like shining a flashlight into the dark—it lets you see what you’re dealing with and reminds you that emotions are temporary.

2. Practice Deep Breathing

Sounds simple, but deep breathing signals to your nervous system that it’s okay to relax. Inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for four. This helps reset when things feel too intense.

3. Get Moving

Physical activity, whether it’s a full workout or a short walk, can shake up your emotions. Moving around helps your brain process stress and can make emotions feel less overwhelming.

4. Engage in Positive Self-Talk

Tell yourself it’s okay to feel this way and that it’ll pass. Reassure yourself, like you would a friend. Our parents might not have taught us this, but we can start teaching ourselves that compassion isn’t just for other people—it’s for us too.

5. Set Up Comfort Rituals

Think cozy blankets, a cup of tea, maybe a warm bath. These aren’t just luxuries; they’re ways of signaling to your body that it’s safe to relax. Creating comforting environments helps reinforce the idea that you’re capable of taking care of yourself.

6. Meditate or Journal

Meditation can be challenging at first, but even a few minutes a day helps you build resilience. Or, try journaling—get those feelings out of your mind and onto paper. Both help slow down your thoughts and give you some mental space.

Reparenting Ourselves

Learning to self-soothe as adults is essentially about reparenting ourselves. We’re teaching ourselves the emotional skills we didn’t get as kids. It’s frustrating, sure, but also empowering because it’s within our control. We can learn to be there for ourselves, to create that calm that may have felt out of reach in the past.

My final thoughts

Self-soothing is a journey, especially if we grew up with parents who didn’t know how to handle their own emotions. But each little step—whether it’s breathing deeply, moving our bodies, or comforting ourselves in small ways—brings us closer to a place of emotional security and independence. It’s about becoming our own safe space, and while that might not have been modeled for us, it’s something we can build for ourselves, one calming breath at a time.

Thankful for your presence, Neja