Stop Making Men the Center of Your Life

 

I have never understood why so many women are taught to treat having a man as the ultimate achievement, as if everything we do before meeting someone is merely preparation for becoming someone’s girlfriend or wife. We are encouraged to spend hours thinking about whether he likes us, whether he will text back, whether he finds us attractive, whether we are being too clingy, whether we are feminine enough, whether we should change our appearance, whether we should cook more, dress differently, act less emotional, act more mysterious, and somehow become the perfect woman who finally earns the attention of a man. At some point, I think we need to step back and ask ourselves what happened to having a life that is actually about us.

There is a difference between loving a man and making a man your entire personality.

I am not talking about women who genuinely enjoy relationships, marriage, motherhood, dating or romance, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting those things. I am talking about the kind of male-centered existence where every decision revolves around male approval and where a woman's mood, confidence, plans and sense of worth seem to depend on whether a man is paying attention to her. That kind of life can become incredibly small without us even realizing it, because when your main goal is to be desirable to men, you can spend so much time monitoring yourself through their eyes that you forget to ask yourself what you actually want.

I think this is one of the saddest things women can do to themselves.

Imagine taking all of the energy you spend wondering whether a man finds you attractive and putting even half of it into your own life. Imagine becoming fascinated by your own interests again, taking care of your body because you live in it rather than because you want someone else to admire it, reading books because you are curious, learning something simply because it interests you, developing a hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with being attractive, successful or desirable, and building a life that still feels meaningful when nobody is texting you.

There is so much freedom in becoming a woman who does not need to be constantly perceived.

I think personal growth is far more interesting than constantly trying to become the woman a man might want. There are so many parts of ourselves that deserve attention, including our emotional maturity, our confidence, our financial independence, our creativity, our health, our boundaries, our education, our relationship with ourselves and the way we treat other people. Yet women can spend years obsessing over men who barely know they exist while neglecting the person who is actually going to be with them for their entire life, themselves.

And yes, I know that romantic love can be beautiful. I know what it feels like to love someone deeply, to want companionship, to build a life together and to care about your relationship. I am not suggesting that women should become cold or pretend they do not care about romance. I am saying that a relationship should be part of your life, not the entire structure holding your life together.

Because what happens when the relationship ends?

What happens when he loses interest, cheats, becomes emotionally unavailable, leaves, or simply turns out not to be the person you thought he was? If your entire identity has been built around being his woman, losing him can feel like losing yourself, because there is nothing underneath the relationship that you have continued developing. That is why I think women need to maintain their own lives even when they are deeply in love.

Have your own interests. Have your own routines. Have things you look forward to that do not involve him. Take yourself somewhere. Read something. Exercise because you want to feel strong and healthy. Learn how to manage your money. Work toward something that belongs entirely to you. Create something. Travel if you can. Take care of your appearance because you enjoy feeling good in your own skin. Spend time alone without immediately reaching for male attention to fill the silence.

And please, have female friendships.

I think women desperately need other women in their lives, and I find it sad when a woman completely abandons her friendships the moment she gets into a relationship. Your boyfriend should not become your entire social world, therapist, entertainment, emotional support system and only person you talk to. That is an enormous amount of pressure to put on one relationship, and it can also leave you incredibly isolated if things start going badly.

There is something uniquely valuable about having women around you who understand experiences that do not need to be explained from the beginning. Women who can sit with you when you are going through something, celebrate your achievements without making everything competitive, tell you when you are being ridiculous, laugh with you about something completely stupid and remind you that your life is much bigger than whoever happens to be occupying the romantic role in it.

I also think we need to stop pretending that being constantly desired is the same thing as being fulfilled.

Getting attention from men can feel flattering, especially when we have been insecure about ourselves, but attention is not the same thing as love, and attraction is not the same thing as intimacy. A woman can receive endless validation from men and still feel empty when she is alone. If your confidence disappears the moment nobody is complimenting you, then perhaps the problem is not that you need more compliments, but that you have not yet built enough of your self-worth from within.

There is a whole world waiting for you outside of male approval.

And I want women to become a little more selfish with their time in the best possible way. Spend some of it on yourself. Protect some of it for your own interests. Put energy into becoming healthier, wiser, more financially secure, more emotionally grounded and more confident. You do not need to constantly improve yourself to become more desirable, but you can grow because being a more fulfilled version of yourself is worth pursuing regardless of whether a man notices.

Your life should still be interesting when nobody is watching.

You should have stories that have nothing to do with men, opinions that were not shaped by a boyfriend, hobbies that existed before a relationship and dreams that would still matter if you were single. You should know what you like, what you dislike, what you believe, what you want to learn, where you want to go and what kind of woman you are trying to become.

Love can be a beautiful addition to that life, but it should not be the reason the life exists.

I think one of the most powerful things a woman can do is quietly build a life she does not desperately need someone else to complete. Not because she does not want love, but because she knows that love should meet her in a life that already belongs to her.

There is nothing pathetic about wanting love.

What becomes sad is abandoning yourself in the pursuit of it.

So put the phone down, stop checking whether he viewed your story, stop analysing his three-word reply, stop wondering how to become more appealing to someone who is giving you crumbs, and go back to your own life. Take care of yourself. Call a friend. Start the hobby you keep postponing. Read the book. Go for the walk. Work toward the goal. Make plans that do not involve a man. Become curious about yourself again.

You are allowed to be the center of your own life.

And I think you should be.

Thankful for your presence, Neja